johnny depps delicious meat pies
Sunday, 17 February 2008 | | |
Johnny Depp's Delicious Meat Pies
They have butcher shops here in Paris that only sell horse meat. They
don't hide it. They have flashing neon horse head signs. I won't be
steppin' in there and buying a thigh anytime soon. I have tasted many
a thing in my day, including the unborn fetus of a cow, a cow's
tongue, and tacos de cabeza, which are tacos made from all the bits
and pieces of an animal's head: snout, ears, brains, eye balls. You
name it, it's all mixed up in the taco. That was because I was fifteen
years old and madly in love with a boy in Guadalajara named Pepe. He
was gorgeous - blond, green-eyed - and a devil. I would do anything he
told me to do. Of course, he never told me what I was eating, until
after I ate it.
Enter Johnny Depp. You know, just like Pepe, if Johnny Depp asked me
to eat a meat pie, I would do it, whether it was packed with savory
horse meat or the ample thighs of my next-door neighbor. Johnny has
been a demanding lover in the past. He's asked me to do many things,
above and beyond the call of duty. When he invested way too much time
and money with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, he asked me to not
just eat chocolate, but swim in it. You know what I said to him? I
said, "Willy Wonka, my ass." That's what I said.
Once Upon A Time In Mexico, when he was pretending to be CIA agent
Sands, he shot the cook because our food was "too good." I was so
embarrassed. He has tested my patience time and again, expecting me to
maintain my undying love, even when he was the swaggering, somewhat
gay, drunk pirate Jack Sparrow or when he went through his Ed Wood
phase, wearing high heels and a pink angora sweater. When he became a
plagiarizing writer, calling himself Mort Rainey and spending days on
end in his robe, looking out a Secret Window for psychopaths, it was
the last straw.
[5626-53275-20114-2?mpt=%5BCACHEBUSTER%5D] What's he up to now, you
might wonder? Well, he just got out of barber school and set up shop
next door to a luscious baker, Mrs. Lovett. I'm concerned about their
relationship. They seem to be a bit too close, if you know what I
mean. But ever since Johnny started cutting hair (and throats), Mrs.
Lovett has been selling a prodigious amount of meat pies. Steaming,
savory, with a flavor that I can't quite place. Is it thyme? Rosemary?
When in doubt, I stick with allspice.
If you have been having an affair with Johnny Depp for as many years
as I have, I urge you to make a beeline to the theater to see him in
Tim Burton's latest film, Sweeney Todd. For more information and to
see a very, very cool website, visit the official Sweeney Todd movie
site. The best way to "hook up" with Johnny, is to visit Sweeney Todd
on MySpace.
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